I am sat writing this at 5:30 am. Eddie is wide awake and refusing to go back to sleep. He finds it hilarious. Mr Ormerod is nicely tucked up in bed snoring away, and I am here with my big mug of coffee , hair like a scarecrow and bags under my eyes so big that they would probably be seized and searched if I was to try and get through security at an air port.
It’s been a while since I have written anything on here. When I started this blog I was excited, I felt like I was actually doing something for me. I wrote my feelings and experiences down like it was nothing and the words just fell out of me. I felt better, like it was a journal and I could release tension and stress in a good way. The last few months have been somewhat of a blur. Eddie is one in a couple of weeks and in less than five weeks I am back at work. How do I feel?? I feel like it’s the end. It’s the end of the most significant year of my life. My baby is no longer a baby, he is a toddler. I will no longer be able to have those lazy pyjama mornings with him, where we just mooch about all morning, watching Sesame street and take life at our own pace. I will have to get up, get dressed, take Eddie to the child minder and off I go. I am lucky enough that I got a new job in the past week. I will still be nursing but I will be working better hours and no longer working shift work. This is brilliant as I will be home at night to put Eddie to bed and I won’t have to work on Christmas day. Also I have been able to reduce my hours and will now be working 4 days a week. Of course this now effects my salary, quite significantly actually. I will be making ends meet month by month rather than being able to do what I please. This is fine by me. Just another sacrifice I have made as a mother. I would rather sacrifice that than time with Eddie. If it was possible I wouldn’t go back to work at all, unfortunately that is just not an option (stupid bills!!)
Over the past year I have had days where I have sat and thought about how different my life is. How many other sacrifices I have made. I have also thought about how amazing times have been too. Eddie took his first steps the other day, it was honestly the most proud I have ever felt. Proud of him and proud of us as parents! He is a little fire cracker. But some days I do really struggle. I get jealous. Jealous of other people who seem to have their shit together. Those who are only just starting on their maternity leave, those who don’t have to return to work and those who will be spending time with my little boy, while I am at work. Does this make me a bad person? Have any of you felt these things? I am sat here now, sleep deprived while Mr Ormerod is in bed. Jealous. I do find that my life now doesn’t revolve around me at all. I have to fight some weeks just to get to yoga classes. Not physically of course but I have to plan, plan and plan some more. I am so not used to that. So I have decided to try and do something about these little things and discovered that I am actually quite good at baking and cake decorating, so I am trying to start a little side business just to make myself some extra cash. Wish me luck!
I’m not really sure what the point of this little blog is, or what I want to achieve from it, but I can tell you I do feel a little better now after writing it and Eddie has dropped off back to sleep (jealous). I guess It’s these little things that make me sit and think. It would be nice to hear what you guys have experienced and how you get through these little times where you over think everything. Any tips and advice on returning to work would be nice too! Oh and just for a little update from my new years goals list! I have managed to lose over a stone in weight too!! Still a little more to go but yey me!!!
Keep in touch!